You know when you have a project due and you’re doing research online and you type something into the search box and see the suggestions and something crazy and ridiculous catches your eye and then you’re off looking that up and reading Wikipedia pages and sending weird links out to your friends and posting it on Facebook and then your project that was due yesterday is in jeopardy (I guess it already was in jeopardy since it was due yesterday you slacker) and then next thing you know you’re spending another hour in Google Suggest looking for the weird shit that people type into search boxes that gives you creepy shivers down your spine to think this is what is going on in the perplexingly obtuse and twisted American psyche…?

That happens to you too, right?

Ok, well whether it does or not, I’m feeling compelled to share the amusing and sometimes downright insane things that show up in Google suggest.  If you dont know what Google Suggest is you better aks somebody (like Google).  I’m going to warn you, there is some not-quite-family-friendly stuff in here, but believe it or not, I’m not going to share the worst of it. I mean, it gets bad.

Disclaimer: The searches on this blog post were conducted by a professional. Should you attempt Google Suggest searches at home, please be responsible and make sure the kids (an possibly the wife and definitely the parents) are not in the room, and any hot spittable/spillable drinks are not within reach of the Searcher. Only then should you attempt to enter the deep dark world of Google Suggest. And may I suggest you search for question-type searches?

Let’s jump right into what people are searching the internet to learn about themselves. Ready?

why do i

Farting, sweating, green poop, sleepiness, discharge, and coincidentally, having no friends all seem to be popular. Hello American Searcher.

I have a b-

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry that there are 3,600 searches a month on [big head little arms] in Google.

I have a s-

Head size (mostly the one with two eyes a nose and a mouth (at least in these case)), and bumps and sores seem popular.  Are you getting nervous about the rest of this post yet?

why does my

I have no commentary for this one, as this medley of remarkable results speaks for itself.

Now let’s take a peek at what we want to know about the other sex.  Interestingly enough, it’s not all puppy dogs and sugar and spice.

what are women

I can understand most of the questions being asked here, but “what are women good for”?  I’m having trouble imagining searcher intent on this one.

why do girls

Here’s where we really start to get a little not-so-kid-friendly (although I’m sure it’s 14-year old boys searching most of this stuff).

how do men

Not much surprising here, although the inquiry about how men should wear their scarves just seems a little out of place among love and STDs. Or, maybe not.

why are men’s

I’m really having a hard time believing people want to know so damn much about men’s buttons. I’m calling Google’s bluff on this data.

Lastly, it is amazing to me how little we know about each other when you do searches like the next set coming up.  Because I refuse to turn this into a racist marketing blog I won’t post what people are looking for about people of all different races and ethnic backgrounds. Do some searches yourself and you’re jaw will surely drop like mine did.  Dont even think about leaving any racist jokes or remarks in the comments – I will not condone it.  Here’s just a little taste of what we want to know about each other.

where do Canadians

Where do Canadians live?  Really?

why do russian

Ok, having dated one and worked with several, I understand the tracksuits and ‘ov’ curiosities, but am I missing something? Since when do Russians look Asian?

why do white people

Why do white people love Wayne Brady?

I’m not sure exactly where this one fits in, but it’s funny enough to get a spot in this list.

why does michael jackson

All legitimate questions if you ask me. R.I.P. MJ.